“He could sure use some cheering up and this television would sure do the trick”, says the thrifty bargain shopper who is missing out on her $120 daily wage. Sources close to Mary report that she is nowhere near the dwindling stack of televisions that would put her mind at ease. “It only happens once a year so it’s worth the wait”, says the woman who was awarded a $90 parking ticket this morning for parking in a handicapped spot.

Sources close to Mary later reported that she finally got her television. After waiting at Best Buy for a grand total of 7 hours and 26 minutes Mary finally made her way to the check out where she eventually purchased the television. Sources report that Mary decided to use her credit card instead of her check card for the purchase. Unbeknownst to Mary this purchase put her over the limit on her card, which will conveniently charge her a $50 limit fee plus $25 for each day that she is over her limit.

“The deals are out there. You just have to be smart,” says Mary. Sources report that the $300 savings on the television will have cost Mary an additional $360.

*Outlet Required

“completely normal” Charles at home

Donning nothing but his favorite pair of white Fruit of the Looms, Charles Smith told reporters Sunday that his new medication seems to be working. “I feel as if I have a new lease on life.” Smith said while trying to open a door being held closed by the gas station attendant. Sources close to Charles say it’s only a matter of time before he hurts himself.

 “When a door closes a new door opens.” Smith proclaimed while scraping a mustard stain off of his chest. Charles has been on and off of some sort of anti-depressant medication for most of his adult life. What started as a small depressive episode lasting for little more than a few days has blossomed into what Charles calls “complete mental clarity,” and what sources close to him are calling a complete loss of reality.

 “Just because you suffer from schizophrenia and bi polar disorder doesn’t mean you can’t live a normal life” says Charles while he looks in the garbage can for a Kleenex box to put on his other foot. “It has taken a few weeks for the medication to take affect but now my mood swings are totally under control”. “He is completely out of control”, says sources close to him.

 A source that wishes to remain anonymous reports that Charles was thrown out of Walgreens last week for taking his shirt off and snapping it at 4 packs of toilet paper. When asked about his new medication Charles responded with “two words; inexpensive, life-changing, tasty, banana and Molly Ringwald. Wait that’s three words but you get the point.”

 Charles was prescribed Seroquel, a common prescription used to treat bi polar disorder and schizophrenia by his doctor. Sources close to Charles have reported that the prescription has not been filled. Charles, in between trying to bite the hair under his right arm, reported that his new drug of choice was “Flintstone Chewables”. Charles prefers the children’s vitamin as apposed to the FDA approved anti-psychotic because, “they are chewy, they have vitamins and most importantly they don’t mess with my head.”

Charles is looking forward to healing old wounds and repairing the relationships that he has damaged while bouncing back and forth from mania to depression. Sources say that Charles has to want help in order to be helped. When asked for a response to the previous statement made by a close friend Charles responded with, “Finally! A taxi is here. Gotta go.” Said the underwear clad Charles as the policeman escorted him to the back of the squad car.

32 year old pro procrastinator

Michael Davis of Salt Lake City, Utah made a major shift in thinking on Tuesday when he decided to officially start procrastinating. Michael, a small claims clerk and lifelong procrastinator has spent his life perfecting his craft. Tuesday put the finishing touches on his master work. Michael is one of a handful of talented procrastinators who have managed to figure out the least amount of time it will take them to perform a task and waiting until only that time is left before starting the task. “I have taken a long road with many failures along the way”, Michael said while talking about his humble start as a childhood procrastinator. “When I was younger I would procrastinate and still have time left over at the end of my task. I would get my homework finished and there would still be 2 hours left before I would go to bed. I was at a crossroads. I felt that the two hours spent lounging after I completed my homework could have easily been two more hours spent procrastinating on completing my homework. Michael kept at it knowing that his failures would eventually turn out to be a success. “I had to learn from my failures over and over. With too much time left over being the trend I tried to switch things up. Instead of having too much time I would not have enough time. Picking up coffee and attending my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary dinner became just picking up coffee. Going to get coffee and then going to work became going to get coffee. And eventually going to get coffee became not going to get coffee.” Alas, Michael has come to the perfect middle ground where his to do list and his internal clock are in perfect harmony. “If I get a phone call from a friend on Monday I know that I can wait at least 2 days before I have to call them back without a backlash. When I go to a movie I know exactly what time to arrive before the previews finish. And when my landlord wants the rent I know that I can wait exactly two weeks before I get kicked out and now live with my parents.” Michael chuckles to himself when thinking about how his life has come full circle. “I remember spending time fighting with my parents about not cleaning my room when I was younger. Here I am ten years later and back at the old stomping ground.” Of course times change and so does Michael’s proficiency. “I know my role in society now and I don’t think I would have arrived here without procrastinating”. When asked for advice for aspiring procrastinators out there Michael had to cut the interview short. “I’m sorry but I have to clean my room. It is 4:28pm and it takes me exactly 32 minutes and my mom gets home at 5pm. She told me last week that she would kick me out if it wasn’t cleaned by Monday. So when Monday came around I knew I had exactly 40 hours and 28 minutes to spare before she got home from work and followed through on her threat”.

Butterballs Employee

Butterballs of Turkey where we put the fun back in Turkey this is Chris how can I help you? That sounds great sir. I can get you started on a catering tray for 20. You have a fun bucket discount. I see… This is your first time with us? Well let me tell you that you are in for a real treat. I personally deliver the Turkey to your house. Serve your family delicious buttery balls of turkey and while you savor the flavor I entertain with my banjo and my karaoke machine. I can’t wait Mr. Daniels I am so excited. I will now connect you to Jenny who will take care of the billing information.

Butterballs of Turkey where we put the fun back in turkey this is Chris how can I help you? Oh hello Cindy. Thanks for calling. The funeral is going to be at Gazy’s Hall this Saturday at 3pm. Thank you. Me? I’m managing. When the preacher said till death do us part I never thought that it would come so soon. Well the coroner said that she was robbed and beaten with a crowbar and left for dead. She managed to crawl her way back to safety only to be trampled by a pack of wild horses. Yeah. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m losing it but I know I have to stay strong for the children. Can I put you on hold Cindy? Thanks.

Butterballs of Turkey where we put the fun back in turkey this is Chris how can I help you? Ma’am. Ma’am. Please Ma’am. If you calm down we can work through this. I know this is hard and you are angry. I am disappointed myself. I assure you that this is the first time we have failed to deliver on time. I can’t refund your money Mrs. Frankfurt because you ate the food. I can give you a discount. Well it’s just that if I give you a full refund it comes straight out of my paycheck. Okay I will now connect you to Jenny who will give you the discount plus the rest of the cost that will come straight out of my paycheck. Please hold.

Butterballs of Turkey where we put the fun back in turkey this is Chris how can I help you? Hi mom. You know I have a cell phone. You could just call- you can’t watch the children this afternoon? It’s just that I have to pick out the flower arrangements for the funeral this weekend. I guess I’ll just have to take them with. It’s at Gazy’s Hall this Saturday at 3pm. I can’t pick you up I have to be there early for the- Okay I will pick you up. It’s just that I wanted to be there early to see my wife for the last time. I know she won’t know the difference but that’s not the point. Can I call you back later? I love y-

Butterballs of Turkey where we put the fun back in turkey this is Chris how can I help you? Sure the process is simple. We bake the turkey in a butter block and then role the turkey into bite size balls and fry them. Do I like balls? I sure do. I love the turkey balls so much I could do this job for free. No I’m not gay but if I were I would be very offended. The turkey is rolled into balls it’s not actual testicles. Ha ha I hope you got your laughs in for the day. Please don’t call back.

Butterballs of Turkey where we put- Oh hi Cindy I forgot you were on hold. Thank you. Thank you. She always had the nicest things to say about you. Well I guess it’s just going to take time. I could use some help with the children every once in a while during my work hours. She used to take care of the kids during the day while I worked. You can’t. I understand. I could just bring the kids to work I guess. Okay. You too. I’ll see you Saturday.

Butterballs of Turkey where we put the fun back in turkey this is Chris how can I help you? I’m glad you enjoyed your event last week. I had fun as well. Yeah the little guys were kicking me pretty hard but my shins can take it. Don’t worry about it I get food thrown at me all the time it’s all in good fun. I would love to cater another event for your family. When would you like me to come out? This Saturday at 3pm? I’m sorry but I have a prior commitment how about next Saturday? This is the only time that will work for you. No problem. We’ll make it happen. Do you mind if I bring my mother and children along?

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